|Seriously. I need to go to rehab.|
|What a dickhead.|
I don't have many films. I usually watch all the Indiana Jones movies, because they fucking rock. I like comedies, but don't really own any. Netflix never has anything good besides Rocko's Modern Life. So I went on YouTube instead and right on my front page was a trailer for the new Evil Dead movie remake. It looks interesting to say the least. That girl in the cellar is WAY more fucking creepy than she used to be, that's for damn sure.
|Actually... I'm not sure anymore... O_O|
...Okay, lets go.
The movie starts off just as disturbing as it should be. In the middle of a fucking fog covered swamp. Then the title pops up, and we see Bruce Campbell (as Ash) and his magnificent chin. Oh, and his friends are there too. His best friend Scotty is there, his girlfriend Linda is there, his sister Cheryl is there. There's also Shelly, who's pretty much Scotty's sack partner for the week. They're renting a cabin in the woods for a little retreat, because that's always a good idea right?
Out of nowhere, an ominous force locks the steering wheel to swerve the car into oncoming traffic, but suddenly it gives and Scotty, Ash's best friend swerves out of the way in time. Talk about an intro! It literally takes a whole 2 minutes for this horrifying scene to happen. It plays this music that's pretty chilling, and lets you know something fucked up is about to happen. It's just very unsettling.
Finally, in a hilarious moment, they find the cabin, which can only be accessed by crossing over a bridge over a large chasm, which once again... not a great idea. But they do it anyway, and arrive at the cabin.
The first night, a key scene happens here. Ash and his girlfriend Linda are sitting on the couch, and he gives her some kind of necklace with a magnifying glass or something on it. This is pretty key later on and I will tell you why if you promise to read the rest of this article!
The five are eating dinner making jokes when suddenly the trap door swings open by itself and scares the living shit out of everyone. After bitching about who will go down and investigate, Ash and Scotty discover a tape recording and the Book of the Dead. Scotty plays the tape, in which a professor begins to transcribe the passages from the book, speaking them loudly. Cheryl becomes more and more unsettled, screaming at Scotty to turn it off, when a tree rams into the window, scaring the five and most certainly making me shit my pants as well.
What they don't realize, is that they've awakened some pretty pissed off Kandarian demons. So the next night, Cheryl is lured outside by a ominous voice saying "Join us...", and of course she goes outside. Did I mention she's almost nude? Anyway, this leads to probably the most infamous scene in the movie, and I hate to even say it....
Tree rape. I'm warning you this next image may either turn you hentai fans on, or horrify you for eternity.
|Oh dear lord...|
|Do not pass GO! Do not collect $200!|
Are you ready for the most stomach churning hibbity jibbity holy fuck scene of all time?
While just chilling hanging out, Linda and Shelly are playing some kind of card guessing game. Cheryl, on the other side of the room, starts calling out the cards without even seeing them. She calls out every single card, to the surprise and terror of Linda and Shelly, growing louder and louder until she reveals to be possessed.
Startled, the rest of the crew stand in horror as a floating Cheryl states, "Like all those before you…one by one…we will take you!", before dropping to the ground. It's here that the movie will break you instantly or you will overcome it.
As Linda goes to check on Cheryl, she suddenly lurches up, pencil in hand, and proceeds to stab it directly into Linda's ankle.
|Just looking at this picture makes me queasy.|
Shortly after, Shelly is violently taken away by "something", but re-appears later to get chopped up.
Well, after realizing they've chopped up their friend, Scotty has had enough. Shit, what man wouldn't have had enough? Ash doesn't give a shit, like he's done it a billion times before or something. He still tries to convince Scotty to stay to save his friends, who eventually tells him along the lines of "fuck you" and disappears outside into the forest. I love this scene because for once Bruce Campbell looks like a chump.
Ash is left alone to deal with Cheryl in the cellar, who looks even more horrifying now, and even worse she taunts him over and over again. So Ash ignores her to check on his girlfriend who somehow has been sleeping the whole time, and finds out she has also turned into a demon.
|Ike Turner's ex-girlfriend.|
|That chin is pure torture on my heart Brucie.|
While grieving over his loss, Linda strikes from nowhere and slashes Ash with a knife. She beats the living shit out of him, until he impales her with the knife (finally!) and ends her. To not take any chances having been tricked once, Ash tries to kill her by cutting her up with a chainsaw, but once again can't bring himself to do it. Fucking pussy. So he decides to just bury her. All is calm from the first strike of the shovel, up until Ash places the necklace he got her on the grave.
I think you know where this is going.
Her hand pops out, and slowly she rises from the grave knocking Ash on his ass. I find this scene to be hilarious because Ash then proceeds to take a wooden beam and repeatedly beats the hell out of her. You have to watch it to realize the humor. To make a long scene short, Linda jumps at Ash and he lobs her head off with the shovel. She lands right on top of him, spewing blood from her neck stump all over his face, while the head just sits and revels in it, laughing until dying horribly.
When Ash returns, Cheryl (remember her?) has escaped from the cellar. Talk about down on your luck! You had to chop up your best friend, your girlfriend, and now there's a demon lurking around somewhere. Well fuck that shit, Ash goes down in the cellar and collects a shotgun. Upon returning upstairs, Cheryl tries to take it away from him unsuccessfully, and Ash blasts her in the face.
|Something like this|
Ash high tails it out of the cellar to find more weird shit. Footsteps coming from the roof, a mirror that is actually water, shadows moving around the windows.... regular weird shit. It's clear Ash is losing his mind. In his defense, he's had a hell of a night so far. So he stands against the front door to rest and to get his shit together.
How ironic that the last two demons that are alive are the ones who tried to leave.
This scene is climactic and really gets your heart racing because not only does Ash have to fight Scotty, Cheryl breaks the door down to add to the fun. It's also one of my favorite scenes strictly for this:
|Not shown above: Heinz Ketchup bottle.|
This scene is fucking awesome. It's all old school clay animation and it looks amazing for the time (skip to 1:28):
Having triumphed the demons, in a twist ending that ominous force from the beginning crashes through the house after Ash and the last thing we hear is him scream.
Congratulations. You've now read about one of the best horror movies ever made. It's fucking pure blood and guts until the very end. Like the ad for the movie says, "the ULTIMATE experience in grueling terror!" And shit they ain't kidding! I really recommend that everyone watches this movie at least once. It's awesome from start to finish and it's genuinely scary to know that the actors did their own stunts, and some even got hurt during the process. This movie got Sam Raimi into the filmmaking business, and it's no wonder why.
Actually, I recommend getting the original "trilogy" set. Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness are hilarious and awesome, and feature some of the best one-liners in movie history.
Groovy indeed Brucie.